A Note I Write To Depression Survivors Malaysia

I was happen to write to all warrior here, you are a warrior. Everyone of you.

Been diagnosed with high functioning depression, I had this ‘all ok’ terms instead of being not ok. I try to been functioning on everyday life even there was the day that I even do not have the feel to shower, let it to brush my teeth. I was grateful being able to get up from the bed and to start the day while some are struggling even to get up from the bed.

People do wondering what is this mental sickness. Do mental can be sick? Are they serious? If physical can be sick how, is the mental is immune from getting sick? Trust me, physical and mental existed with each other. When one of it is sick you’re not functioning.

This is because your mental can feel pain too. I know people can be bitter because they have no idea the mental can be sick because they cannot see it. They didn’t understand the relation between those two. They think you’re weak, not being grateful. You are in pain. People do many things to ease the pain whether through therapy, medication.

Do what makes you happy, and yeah walking help too. Having conversation about interest, practices mindfulness because that is when your mind on focus. Thanks a lot to Aiman Psikologis giving the talk and spread awareness about mental health.

Remember that you are a warrior. You are not alone. You are an inspiration.

#add note

Tonight, it strike again. I was still at my workplace. Don’t bother to move up to go home. Don’t bother to eat some dinner. And suddenly I got the courage, and I pushed myself. I just walking home to buy some food for the dinner. I walked by all the restaurant, feel the lights came out from it, the people talking and my mind was thinking. My mind was on about getting a child in this late of age, about having a holiday and the money for it, maybe it is not time use the money for myself. Maybe I need to buy something for my parent to use for. I have been this what to buy for them. I make a wish list in my head. I was grateful to someone who believe in me. and you know I just want to cry when I am thinking about. When I came back to my workplace, I saw a colleague was eating a dinner and I constantly said to myself, don’t cry, don’t cry. The thought being grateful even just a little just make me feel so…

Hal Be

“Yang ini berapa?” tanya Be kepada juruwang di situ. “Oo, yang ni sepuluh ringgit saja,” Pasir kucing bentonite sama 2 tin makanan siap dibeli. Dia berkira-kira baki yang tinggal di dalam beg comelnya. Akhir bulan. Yang ini saja mampu Be beli. Sejak duduk menyewa ni, memang banyak kena berjimat cermat. Ye, dia mengaku, dia sudah belajar berjimat cermat. Seluk beg kecik menyimpan duit dan dihulurnya kad ahli. Kad binatang ada 2 jenis, kad membeli-belah siapa tau ada 5 jenis. Kad sakit 2 jenis, kad bank 2 jenis. Buat apa banyak kad bank. Dia pening banyak-banyak kad. Nasib dia kad kredit tiada. Kad ini semua takda untung. Tetapi kad alergik dia ada. Itu paling penting. Kita tak mahu, mata kembang, hidung macam paip bocor, muka semacam belon merah dan terbaring sepanjang hari mengganggu kelancaran hidup. Paling tidak efeknya seminggu, mata kau kecil sebelah. Itu menarik perhatian. Dia tidak mahu menarik perhatian dengan mata kecil sebelah. Dan ye, cermin mata itu penting. Dia perlu cermin mata sebab dia tiada cermin mata. Cermin mata untuk halang silau mata. Mata coklat jernih seperti dia perlu cermin mata. Ok, tidak sensitif seperti hijau atau biru tetapi dia rasa perlu. Pernah orang menegurnya, saat dia sedih kelihatan matanya lebih coklat. Mungkin saat itu, air mata mula mahu mencuci matanya membuatkan lebih coklat. Mungkin. Dia juga sedang melihat-lihat iC!Berlin bentuk bulat hitam sebelum ini di internet. Untuk membeli, kita mesti mahu simpan azam. Buat lagi kuat azamnya. Dior Wayfarer warna putih juga menarik. Tapi untuk pertama kali dan dalam kisah penjimatan begini, dia cuma kisah Polaroid Wayfarer warna hitam. Mudah dan klasik.

Hal Joni

“Alamak, aku dah lambat ni” kata Joni.

Dicapainya baju 3 butang lengan yang bersangkut di kerusi. Joni cepat2 mencapai kunci motornya yang terletak berdekatan dengan segala kotak2 yang mengeluarkan gambar dan bunyian. Bermacam saiz kotak, besar kecik, besar kecik.

Pangggg!!!!

“Aduh” Joni duduk meraba ibu jari kaki.

Terlentang cello di sebelah gerobok vinyl Abah.

“Mak, Mak punya cello ni, Joni rasa boleh alih tempat lain. Hari itu Tompok main cak cak dengan Shin Chan. Hari ini kaki Joni lebam Mak. Hahaha” Joni beritahu sambil gelak-gelak.

“Saja Mak letak situ. Tengok kau tolong alih ke tidak. Hahaha” gelak Mak pulak.

“Jangan lupa tutup kain sangkar si Comot tu. Kang sejuk anak-anak dia.” sambung Mak.

“Ok, Joni pergi dulu Mak”

“Joni, ingat pesan Mak ya,”

Deruan motorsikal Joni membelah suasana malam. Aku mesti jadi gentleman. Aku mesti kena sampai dulu,” bisik Joni dalam hati.

Sesampainya di café, Joni pesan air masak. Sebelum makan, kena minum air masak dulu kan?

Air di dalam gelas Joni belum sampai dan dia sampai. Joni hampir tidak sedar dia sekarang berada di depan mata.

“ Assalamualaikum” ucapnya.

“ Walaikumussalam” jawab Joni.

Usai dia duduk, 30 detik berlalu. Tik tik tik.

Joni merenung pada mata coklatnya, “Kita order dulu, boleh?”

Joni melambai pada pelayan.

Skret. Skret. Skret. Pelayan menulis pada nota kecik dan mengulang semula orderannya.

“So, tell me who you are” tanyanya

“Saya kerja editor,” kata Joni

“Tell me who you are,really” tanya dia sambil tersenyum.

“Saya tahu awak mesti seorang editor yang rajin walaupun yang kadang-kadang awak benci 

dengan kerja awak disebabkan senior editor yang no-nonsense, manager yang merepek, 

colleague yang kepoh dan customer yang kuat komplen. Tapi dalam hati awak, awak cuba yang terbaik sebagai editor. Itu tidak dinafikan. Kita semua akan cuba yang terbaik. We are not a psychopath who try to ruin the company unless you hold a grudge to them. You maybe a dedicated engineer, lawyer, surgeon, teacher but you are not your job. You are bigger than your life,“ dia bercerita.

“I am anarchist who loved cats and like doing sculpture and vintage sidecar enthusiast”.

Joni semacam menarik lega selepas menghembus kata2 itu.

Dia tersenyum lagi.

Dan 2 jam berlalu dengan pantas.

Kedengaran lagu I Can’t Get Started nyanyian Ella Fitzgerald mula memenuhi suasana Café Bouchon.