Thursday, January 3, 2019

A Note I Write To Depression Survivors Malaysia

I was happen to write to all warrior here, you are a warrior. Everyone of you.
Been diagnosed with high functioning depression, I had this ‘all ok’ terms instead of being not ok. I try to been functioning on everyday life even there was the day that I even do not have the feel to shower, let it to brush my teeth. I was grateful being able to get up from the bed and to start the day while some are struggling even to get up from the bed.
People do wondering what is this mental sickness. Do mental can be sick? Are they serious? If physical can be sick how, is the mental is immune from getting sick? Trust me, physical and mental existed with each other. When one of it is sick you’re not functioning.
This is because your mental can feel pain too. I know people can be bitter because they have no idea the mental can be sick because they cannot see it. They didn’t understand the relation between those two. They think you’re weak, not being grateful. You are in pain. People do many things to ease the pain whether through therapy, medication.
Do what makes you happy, and yeah walking help too. Having conversation about interest, practices mindfulness because that is when your mind on focus. Thanks a lot to Aiman Psikologis giving the talk and spread awareness about mental health.
Remember that you are a warrior. You are not alone. You are an inspiration.
#add note
Tonight, it strike again. I was still at my workplace. Don’t bother to move up to go home. Don’t bother to eat some dinner. And suddenly I got the courage, and I pushed myself. I just walking home to buy some food for the dinner. I walked by all the restaurant, feel the lights came out from it, the people talking and my mind was thinking. My mind was on about getting a child in this late of age, about having a holiday and the money for it, maybe it is not time use the money for myself. Maybe I need to buy something for my parent to use for. I have been this what to buy for them. I make a wish list in my head. I was grateful to someone who believe in me. and you know I just want to cry when I am thinking about. When I came back to my workplace, I saw a colleague was eating a dinner and I constantly said to myself, don’t cry, don’t cry. The thought being grateful even just a little just make me feel so…

Hal Be

“Yang ini berapa?” tanya Be kepada juruwang di situ. “Oo, yang ni sepuluh ringgit saja,” Pasir kucing bentonite sama 2 tin makanan siap dibeli. Dia berkira-kira baki yang tinggal di dalam beg comelnya. Akhir bulan. Yang ini saja mampu Be beli. Sejak duduk menyewa ni, memang banyak kena berjimat cermat. Ye, dia mengaku, dia sudah belajar berjimat cermat. Seluk beg kecik menyimpan duit dan dihulurnya kad ahli. Kad binatang ada 2 jenis, kad membeli-belah siapa tau ada 5 jenis. Kad sakit 2 jenis, kad bank 2 jenis. Buat apa banyak kad bank. Dia pening banyak-banyak kad. Nasib dia kad kredit tiada. Kad ini semua takda untung. Tetapi kad alergik dia ada. Itu paling penting. Kita tak mahu, mata kembang, hidung macam paip bocor, muka semacam belon merah dan terbaring sepanjang hari mengganggu kelancaran hidup. Paling tidak efeknya seminggu, mata kau kecil sebelah. Itu menarik perhatian. Dia tidak mahu menarik perhatian dengan mata kecil sebelah. Dan ye, cermin mata itu penting. Dia perlu cermin mata sebab dia tiada cermin mata. Cermin mata untuk halang silau mata. Mata coklat jernih seperti dia perlu cermin mata. Ok, tidak sensitif seperti hijau atau biru tetapi dia rasa perlu. Pernah orang menegurnya, saat dia sedih kelihatan matanya lebih coklat. Mungkin saat itu, air mata mula mahu mencuci matanya membuatkan lebih coklat. Mungkin. Dia juga sedang melihat-lihat iC!Berlin bentuk bulat hitam sebelum ini di internet. Untuk membeli, kita mesti mahu simpan azam. Buat lagi kuat azamnya. Dior Wayfarer warna putih juga menarik. Tapi untuk pertama kali dan dalam kisah penjimatan begini, dia cuma kisah Polaroid Wayfarer warna hitam. Mudah dan klasik.

Hal Joni


“Alamak, aku dah lambat ni” kata Joni.

Dicapainya baju 3 butang lengan yang bersangkut di kerusi. Joni cepat2 mencapai kunci motornya yang terletak berdekatan dengan segala kotak2 yang mengeluarkan gambar dan bunyian. Bermacam saiz kotak, besar kecik, besar kecik.

Pangggg!!!!

“Aduh” Joni duduk meraba ibu jari kaki.

Terlentang cello di sebelah gerobok vinyl Abah.

“Mak, Mak punya cello ni, Joni rasa boleh alih tempat lain. Hari itu Tompok main cak cak dengan Shin Chan. Hari ini kaki Joni lebam Mak. Hahaha” Joni beritahu sambil gelak-gelak.

“Saja Mak letak situ. Tengok kau tolong alih ke tidak. Hahaha” gelak Mak pulak.

“Jangan lupa tutup kain sangkar si Comot tu. Kang sejuk anak-anak dia.” sambung Mak.

“Ok, Joni pergi dulu Mak”

“Joni, ingat pesan Mak ya,”

Deruan motorsikal Joni membelah suasana malam. Aku mesti jadi gentleman. Aku mesti kena sampai dulu,” bisik Joni dalam hati.

Sesampainya di café, Joni pesan air masak. Sebelum makan, kena minum air masak dulu kan?

Air di dalam gelas Joni belum sampai dan dia sampai. Joni hampir tidak sedar dia sekarang berada di depan mata.

“ Assalamualaikum” ucapnya.

“ Walaikumussalam” jawab Joni.

Usai dia duduk, 30 detik berlalu. Tik tik tik.

Joni merenung pada mata coklatnya, “Kita order dulu, boleh?”

Joni melambai pada pelayan.

Skret. Skret. Skret. Pelayan menulis pada nota kecik dan mengulang semula orderannya.

So, tell me who you are” tanyanya

“Saya kerja editor,” kata Joni

Tell me who you are,really” tanya dia sambil tersenyum.

“Saya tahu awak mesti seorang editor yang rajin walaupun yang kadang-kadang awak benci 
dengan kerja awak disebabkan senior editor yang no-nonsense, manager yang merepek, 
colleague yang kepoh dan customer yang kuat komplen. Tapi dalam hati awak, awak cuba yang terbaik sebagai editor. Itu tidak dinafikan. Kita semua akan cuba yang terbaik. We are not a psychopath who try to ruin the company unless you hold a grudge to them. You maybe a dedicated engineer, lawyer, surgeon, teacher but you are not your job. You are bigger than your life,“ dia bercerita.

I am anarchist who loved cats and like doing sculpture and vintage sidecar enthusiast”.

Joni semacam menarik lega selepas menghembus kata2 itu.

Dia tersenyum lagi.

Dan 2 jam berlalu dengan pantas.

Kedengaran lagu I Can’t Get Started nyanyian Ella Fitzgerald mula memenuhi suasana Café Bouchon.

Monday, October 22, 2018

Mak Babi Hutan

Kisah bermula dengan sedang mengambil asam pedas di dapur. 

Terdengar sosok2 di sebelah rumah dalam kelapa sawit yang berjarak 20 meter jauhnya. 

Kelihatan 3 ketul berwarna kelabu yang comel sedang sibuk mencari makanan dan di belakang mereka kelihatan seketul kelabu bersaiz besar sedikit. 

"Eh gemuknya," bisik aku.

Dia pandang aku.

Aku pandang dia. 

Kami berpandangan agak lama. 

Aku kalah pandangan itu. 

Aku sambung cedok asam pedas dengan perlahan-perlahan.

 Aku terasa diperhatikan.

Ah nampaknya dia masih memerhatikan aku. 

Aku rasa nak demam. 

Begitulah ceritanya.

Heavy Day

After 5 months, I look after him. He's gone.

It was the day I had a big exam to take care of, an appraisal and he died on that day.

Good bye. You are a good cat.

Thank you for being me for all this years.

It is weird when you take care of it.

I said to Allah, don't let me take his away. Only Allah can take his away.

It was heavy released.

It was a heavy day.

He was happy.


Friday, May 18, 2018

20 Words of Reminder to Make You A Stronger Person

My words are nothing compare to that Marcus Aurelius's Meditations. 

Today is the first day of Ramadan. You must remember this things.

 1. You are alone in this world and nobody you can count on to. You must count on yourself.

2. Do not tell your problem to other people. They do not understand and you need to solve it by yourself. 

3. Do not give up. Try as many as you can.

4. You must be sometimes doing stupid and you are arrogant, but this are the lesson that you need to learn.

5. Failure and lesson make you a better and stronger person. 

6. Be courages and be kind.

7. Sometimes crying and screaming are relieving. So cry until you feel relieve.

8. Take small step towards your goals. Be consistent.

9. You can dream the impossible. Dream within your strength.

10. Do not care about what other people says as long as it can solve your problem.

11. If it is weird or unconventional to other people, and that make you happy, just do it.

12. Small but quality is good.

13. Good and bad people exist either to nourish and crush you. They come as part of your life.

14. Forcing to do things you do not like is scary, do not do it if they did not give any meaningful consequence to your life.

15. Good reading are unbeatable. There's nothing wrong being a book worm.

16. People will be skeptical and judging towards you. Animals and trees are not. Get close and appreciate them as many as you can. 

17. Remind yourself how important the time is. 

18. Achievement is good but your journey to it, is important. It makes who you are.

19. Travel and meet all types of people. Get out from your circle. It makes you a better person because you will understand what people are going through.

20. Everyone have fear. Try to control your fear to anything except Allah. Put all your life in Allah. Beriman kepada Qada' dan Qadar.

Monday, March 12, 2018

While Going Downstair To Take the Water

Sometimes I cannot help but to remember back that has make part of me. My life. I smiled when recall the memories.  The memories comes in certain way, in unexpected way. Sometimes on the way, going down to take some water in the office or in the weird time that I cannot explained it here. 

This one goes out to the friends which have been working with me. Although it was a short time, 1 year but it was good to me. I don't know about you guys. But for me, haha. Its good. Good.

One month in the Palace of Golden Horses is great but throughout the last week. Lebam guys, lebam.
Ok let me start first. 

Called me Dr Love. Because I sit in the room. And like to listen people problem. Apahal poyo ni?

Lets skip all the part that have all the people have been doing. Its ritual I guess. And favorite spot. Everyone must do it at least once. Once? Really? Hahaha.

First, to the little brother, Ashraf. You have become the island people. We share the same supervisor. We could not get you see everyday, and yet you have become the manager. Lucky you to have study with the custodian geologist. You have become the man, the man. Like solitary maybe. Surprised to see you back in darker tone. I heard you have a good life little brother.

To the superwoman Alia, who like to call be bihun goreng sometimes. Never wonder about that. Nevermind,I like free food. I like that name. It rock n roll name. May I Allah blessed you with life. Sofia is a great girl. She have the same birthday with me. I guess people who born on this day is special people. Kahkahkah. Keep rock and roll. 

To Ali, Alia's twin. The coolest man in the bunch. You were like our M.Nasir. Also the manager. Hahaha. With a lot of file like building on each side of the table. Thank you a lot, for the playlist. Cool playlist.Finally, it can safe my time to download illegally from the web. Hahaha.

To Kak Akmal, our Kak Long most steady person. Personally, I didn't see you, the time when you get angry. I really don't. Thank you helping me to get the job after we finished our one year with them. Go steady.

To Dayah, thank you being my buddy and my driver for our fieldwork. You are a patience woman. As strong woman also. A nice family you have. You have a face that I cannot read that as I being Dr Love there. Your face is hard to read. Its compliment. Hehe. 

To Epul, our seberang guy, who have always come to our place, the most cheerful person. And like talk a lot. And Zulhelmi is your sidekick. Hahaha. When you come to the place is lighten up. No, no. Don't throw up. Haha. Thank you for lighten up the place, man. Now throw up. 

To Gee and Jlo, the contra of two height, yet you guys are close friend. Same uni, same buddies to fieldwork. One is quite a celoteh and one steady. Gee have one tone voice and Jlo is another tone of voice. Hahaha

To Farah and Aishah, the twin. Senior and junior. Aishah call me Biha and call Farah by Kakak. I'm older than Farah but I 'm not offended. I am. I feel younger.

To Su, my junior geologist, the determine geologist. Yup, we share the same the experience might be because we are in the same uni and that we share the same interest. Thank you in believing my opinion or sometime my behaviour. Haha. 

To Fizi, the realistic person. Probably our head geologist in the group. The person who behind the Ford Ranger. The face look serious but believe me, it is not. And Julie the assistant. Julie who like laugh a lot. Hehe

To the seberang apartment, Zul who is Epul's sidekick, Nas yup the quiet person and hard to read I guess , Etul's Hafizi sidekick, Dayana the elegant person in the bunch, Dee you are comel one in the bunch, Vimal must be thinking a lot what the here I am doing here hehe and one Chinese guy, I am sorry I forgot your name. You all the great person and I guess you all be patience during your work in there. 

To the downstair people, Farha the sweet friend and I don't know when you are angry too. Hehe. Ema, thank you a lot for the curry laksa or mee curry noodle ? I guess. It was delicious.  I remember walking in the afternoon to eat that curry laksa or noodle. And also the gym. Haha. The H guy. And gym is good though. Perhaps the cycling class is the last thing I do. Sengal gila! Taubat aku. Haha.

To Aizat and Musaddiq, the rare person to see and sometimes quiet. I run out words actually. I don't know maybe thinking what the heck am I doing here. Haha.

Not to forget, my rebel supervisor, Mr Fatkhur. Quite a surprise CD collection. And what's up with left and right boot?Hehe.

I hope this story is not embarrassing you all. 

A lot of people, a lot of stories. A lot of haha.
Learn a lot from you guys. 
Ini bukan perasan sedap. 
This is me writing the memories.
It funny sometime the memories during we did not expected it.

God bless.

Ah, we getting old.

KLMJ.