Thursday, June 9, 2016

Dracula

Aku rasa macam nak demam.

Bisa gile. 

Aku tekan2 bahagian tersebut sakit.

Aku ingat mungkin mengidap saket ape agaknya.

Aku berkira2 mahu pergi ke hospital cek darah.

Terpikir jugak sejak beberapa hari ni tak sedap badan. 

Rungsing jiwa. Otak terseksa.

Menyengat urat. 

Aku tak puas hati. Gerak hati aku merasakan sesuatu.

Aku cuba sedaya upaya.

Kenapa rasa bulat? Daging tumbuh? Jerawat? 

Ah. Perit kurasakan.

Kucapai apa yang ada untuk menamatkan riwayatnya. 

Sejak bila aku main kat semak ni?

Aku bukan budak2 kecik lagi.

Kau telah menyeksa jiwa dan ragaku. 

Dracula satu gigi. 

Kutu babi rupanya. 

Monday, May 2, 2016

Moment


I was staring to the screen. Watching the words that shape like an ant. The music was on. 

April no post. This is terrible. 

Haha. No inspiration. I am laughing to myself.  I talked to my cats. Do you want to sing with me?

Having a family is having a wait. 

This is my path. This is my life. 

All work and no play make Biha a dull girl. 

I was crying at the cartoon movie.

Dream on! I said. 

Hold On

I wrote this was out my anxiousness. Even when I am reading the book, I was not into it. I forget what I read before. Even one page before. My mind was wandering. It is not thinking too much. It is the way you are. You cannot stop. People don’t understand. All they can do is try to change you. Change is good. Change not until you forget yourselves. All they care is what they can see on the surface. It was painful to do something when it it the first place you do not like it. It is painful to see your body was there but your soul, your mind was not. I’m trying too hard in being this. To hold myself. I need to hold on, hold on, like a mantra I’m saying this to myself. But I still feel gratitude to Allah on who have I become. On who am I. For me, to live in this world is to be able to do the thing that resemble who you are. You are in happiness to do it. Definition is different to other people. I feel gratitude of who I am. I know, life is not meant to be easy. That is why we have heaven in the afterlife. And it is not easy to get into the heaven. The most kind of the people is the people who is kind to other people. The definition of kind is big. The hard things to do is the helping other people. Because we are still have selfish. It is the tiniest part in every human. Except the prophet and the greatest of prophet Muhammad PBUH. Until the end of his life, he is still not forgetting his beloved ummah. We try our best to do the example from him.  

Saturday, March 26, 2016

Talk To The Old

I was fascinated about talking to the old. Their view about life was always mesmerising and a lot of insight. 
They live too old for the positive. 
Their stories touched people life. 
The air of of coolness around when we hear the stories. 
We always think our childhood time is the best times of our life but as we become old and enter the old life of what we call the ‘golden year’.
 We able to help people by this stories. 
Watching, talking and staring on what we hear from them is passing by time without feeling guilty.
 I had watched a few documentary about people who had become old in their years although they didn’t feel old about themselves. 
During our young years we done a lot of shouting and screaming to escape from the reality and frustrating. 
It feels a lot better, isn’t it?  
When we become old, we didn’t shout to shut all the disappointing event but we just sit down and try to empty our mind. 
And then we get up and get some drink to clear our throat. 
Suddenly, we feel thirsty even at first we did not. 
And we continue back to do our thing. 
Let them pass by for a while and save it for another time, just a while and coming back to solve it.
 Seen a few documentary about people who were old and their famous old saying. 
About the famous old people don’t care about mushy-mushy thing, he want to be just vanished and don’t want a fancy funeral. 
She said she don’t like pretty but nothing and that way, will strive to do something and we can develop ourselves to do something and become interesting. 
And when you get older, is what left is in you.
 Life experience and humour keep you going. 
To be able to laugh on what you do is a releasing feel and to be able to let go of your past.  
To be and grow old together is romantic. 
To be wise and listen is valuable. 
And yet I still didn’t understand why some people left them.
 And let the stranger to be take care of them. 
I think to become a better old, is to understand, have knowledge and experience a lot. 
And I hope we can still have time to change our attitude before we become old.
A golden year it is.
"A late night by listening to Dakota, Stereophonics. I need to screamed at the chorus in the song"

Friday, February 5, 2016

Roar Roar dan Mosh Pit

Aku, cerita dah peram lama dalam otak baru aku keluarkan balik. 
Cerita tahun lepas, entah bulan bape aku tak ingat. Eh, baru je sebulan. Ini hasil aku cek daripada mesej sosial aku yang sebenarnye aku pon tak berapa sosial. 

Aku penah dengar RockTheWorld sebelum ni tapi aku tak penah pegi. Kali ni baru berkesempatan pegi. Ini pun kawan aku ajak pegi, Kalo tak memang aku tak tau langsung pasal ini. Rupanya dah masuk 15 tahun. Tahun aku Form 4, dorang dah mula. Kalo pegi time tu, memang dah kena pelempang agaknya. Aku budak baik.

Aku bertolak Sabtu pagi sampai tengah hari, Singgah dulu umah kawan aku. Rupanya dia dah tunggu aku dulu kat stesen LRT. Melepas nasi kerabu. Ok2, kami bertolak, ke Nu sentral untuk menjamu selera memandang sudah pukul 3 lebih. Dicadang oleh kawan aku, makan makanan Jepun. Aku sebenarnye tak in makanan Jepun sebab aku tak berapa berkenan dengan makanan kurang masak tapi aku make an exceptional kepada Teppanyaki sebab dia masak. Memangla masak. Maksud aku masak betul. Kami berbual2 mengenai kegembiraan dan penderitaan hidup ini. Nak emo sangat dengan hidup ini pun tak guna, sebab akhirnya ape yang kau buat kat dunia dan cara kau jaga perhubungan kau kat dunia penting. Sudahlah aku malas mahu membebel. Aku bebel2 kat sini, orang lupa, dan ulang lagi. Lantak kau. Itu hubungan kau dengan Tuhan.

Sedar2 dah nak dekat Asar. Aku kalau apa2 timing aku suka ikut waktu solat. Sebab nak janji2 pukul berapa memang susah. Maka, agak2 dalam area2 waktu begitu senang nak set. Aku sempat jugak survey kasut hiking. Aku sempat masuk kedai Kickers. My First kasut fieldwork aku. Aku guna sampai jahanam, sampai tertanggal besi2 tempat memegang shoelace. Inilah akibatnya kalo keje kau berendam kasut dalam sungai. Sambil berendam kasut, sambil pegang kompas nak mapping, sambil tengok2 lintah2 sedang berenang gembira seperti dalam pesta. Malas aku nak cerita panjang2 kat sini, nanti mungkin tiada selera.

Kami sampai di stadium memang dah hampir petang jugak. Dengar ACAB dah separuh jalan main. Hmm, pantas kami menapak ke tempat tiket. Bagi gelang kertas, masuk ke pintu checking. Sampai2 dah tinggal satu lagu. Aku saba je ni, Hujan mula turun. Kawan aku ni memang bagus. Dia ingat sebelum hujan sediakan payung. Tapi dia sediakan aku sekali baju hujan. Basah jugak ni. Lecak. Sebelah, Noisy stage, memang kemain bising bunyinya. Ade dua saja, rupenya, Indie stage tak jadik aku pon tak tau kenapa.  Lepas tu sambung pulak Massacre Conspiracy. Ok, layan jugaklah. Dah name pegi konsert, apehal pulak tak dengar lagu. Dengar jelah apa2.  Haha. Tiba2 kawan aku kat sebelah cakap , vokalist tu macam rupa jiran belakang rumah dia. Hah! Aku tak tau nak jawab ape. Aku hanya jawab dengan jawapan tipikal, Ye ke? Aku pun tak pasti sebab aku tak penah jumpe jiran dia. Haha. 

Time break, semua orang berdedai pegi surau di bawah. Ramai gila sampai surau penuh. Beratur aku tengok orang ambil air wuduk. Bagus budak2 ni. Hujan masih seperti tadi. Lepas tu, aku singgah sekejap kedai beli air mineral dan makanan sebab dah nak masuk malam, memang terasa lapalah. Okey, sambung balik dengan Sil Khannaz pulak. Aku pun tak tahu sangat lagu diorang. Yang aku tau diorang jerit2 dalam lagu. Biasalah, lagu metal. Dan scene mosh pit dah start menggila. Sebelum tu kawan aku ajak ke depan jugak. Tapi kadang2 ke belakang balik. Haha. Kadang2 dorang ni main2 bulatan menyepak kaki jugak aku tengok. Bab melambung2 badan tu biasalah. Hujan makin lebat. Raincoat2. Dorang ade siap berlenggeng pon ade. Nampaknya hujan tak dapat memberhentikan mereka. Aku cuba tangkap ape yang dorang cakap dalam lagu tu tapi susah jugak nak dapat. Band Langsuyr pon macam tu, Naratu macam tu jugak. Koffin Kanser kawan aku minat jugak, ade campur reggae sikit, metal sikit. Bab kuar sound metal, aku akan jadi seperti tadi. Aku cuma simpulkan macam Roar! Roar!. Macam singa mengaum semuanya. This is territorial. Might be. Mungkin metal ni meyerlahkan keperkasaan diri lelaki. Aku pikir stail begini adalah art jugak. Hmmm. 

Malam dah semakin akhir, sambung dengan OAG sama Plague of Happiness. Bila OAG start lagu Smell Like Teen Spirit je, mosh pit mula menggila. Bayangkan kau dah ke depan, dah boleh sampai ke belakang. Dah sampai pagar besi. Dua kali stuck dalam mosh pit. Dan dua kali jugak kawan aku sangkut selipar dalam kegilaan tu. Beberapa ratus meter kau bergerak dengan sendirinya. Gasak betol. A short chaotic minute. Yang paling aku hairan tu, boleh dapat cari pulak kawan dengan selipar tu. Kagum2. Haha. Bila dipikirkan balik, nasib baik la tak terperangkap dalam kegilaan tu. Badan memang sakit gila. Dah badan tinggal tulang memang la sakit. Tak pasal2 terperangkap dalam kegilaan ini. Takde keje cari keje. Aduhai.

Kami kuar dari kawasan sesak dan berdiri di ruang tepi konsert. Kawan aku jumpa kawan gym dia. Aku ingat metal macam gaya serabai jean koyak. Rupanya gaya smart jugak aku tengok dengan kemeja putih sama vest kelabu. Tapi gaya rambut tetap panjang. Aku perati2 jugak gaya2 orang di situ. Ada jugak punk jiwang yang masing berpeleseran sesama rakan wanita dorang. Kasut but tapak tebal kalo kena kepala memang sakit jugak tu. Kami round jap kedai2 kat situ. Area kedai2 dah memang senyap la. Laa makanan dan minuman pun ada jual. Kenapa tak cakap awal2?

Yang aku tahu ada certain kau kena action. Bukan diam kejong sambil arus menghentam kau. Kadang2 buat tidak peduli itu tidak bagus dan kau perlu tahu yang mana patut atau tak patut. Dan vocalist Massacre Conspiracy memang jiran kawan aku. Siapa tahu bukan? Hidup ini penuh dengan kejutan. Roar roar ni rupanya ada macam2 jenis rupanya.

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Angels & Devils

"What do you do when someone psychologically hurt you?"

"Meaning?"

"Psychological war. Eat you up from inside."

"I'm depressing person"

"You know you had depression"

"I'm fucking loser. Damn selfish person."

"You're not selfish. You're in a state of mind which is unstable. You are hurt."

"How to deal with it? I need a fucking boxing with my mind right now"

"First, make a list what's good about yourself. Damn good about yourself"

"I'm trying."

"Do it now. Loud and clear."

"People are your mirror. Whenever they say anything good about yourself, put a side in your space, in your brain."

"Someone said I look like Caucasian. Original deep brown hair, brown eyes.

"Ok, more."

"My colleague, you're like Bella Swan which is I hardly show my feeling through my face."

"My aunt asked me to be an actor. I just kept quiet. But Johnny Depp is cool."

"You have further your studies, and you know it is not useful right now. Knowledge is important. Somebody struggle like shit to further your studies."

"I like to write. I like art. I like music. My two guitar is lying still in the attic."

"It's a shame for the guitar."

"My friend said for me, cool but inside like thunderstorm. Patience but like hurricane."

"My father play a football. He's was good. My friend said I can play. Like a Park Ji-sung even I don't know where the hell is Park Ji-sung right now. Still, I prefer football than futsal. And the game ball that I don't really like is netball because its a girl ball."

"And you're not a girl?"

"I'm girl but it's not my forte. I'm missed running like mad holding the baton even though running long distance is damn stressing."

"You know what? Beautiful but boring. Everyone can be beautiful. Have a nice job, nice wife, nice husband, nice children, nice house. You don't have that. You have yourself. It is curse, reverse."

"But I need to be low profile. And yet, I'm tired of becoming this soft hearted. Tired of saying sorry all the time, until I become confuse of the fault itself."

"You write in the piece of paper, fold it and put it in the box. Whenever, you feel like the world crashing on you. Read it again. Aloud. Call it self indulgence. Forget what other people said. You need to be grateful. All the hardness. I bet you will feel better after that. You need that."

"To the people who want to hurt, as you said, psychologically hurt, they think had it against you, they make you feel you like a loser, think again, they don't have what you have. You already winning."

"How's that?"

"Because you let the devil lose. We are playing games with the devil everyday. Every revenge, every hot tempered, every jealousy, every impatient, that's the devil game. And the angels take note everything that we do. Wear a pet with you. It will cleanse your soul. Have a pure heart. This world is temporary. What we done today is for tomorrow. The eternal afterlife."

"I think we need to start stop use the 'word'."

"You fucking cool."

* Beat The Devil's Tatoo by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club on the background.*

Friday, January 15, 2016

Out of State

You know the feeling
when you try to
avoid 
hurt others’ people feeling
you end up
in
hurting them
what is
more hurt
is 
you are
hurting yourself
more

All the silent
you kept
they thought
you were
mad
at them
but
it was
at yourself
actually