Sunday, August 18, 2024

Melting Faces

Metal melted within the wall

Holding yourself for not to fall

Fragile thing will it to bore

More and more

Wind blew, the water still

Light becomes our shield

Tree and money are desperate to yield

Hoping not to lose our feel

Crinkle skin darken spot

Carry on carry on

Why do you have to wait

Been said and fade

Blooming shade has been kept a secret

Clock has been ticking and spent

Walked and walked trying to fend

As the sun-scorched, hidden

As time pass as you need

Moon and mood are in between

Feeling are burning need

As you realise what you have seen

Thursday, January 3, 2019

A Note I Write To Depression Survivors Malaysia

I was happen to write to all warrior here, you are a warrior. Everyone of you.
Been diagnosed with high functioning depression, I had this ‘all ok’ terms instead of being not ok. I try to been functioning on everyday life even there was the day that I even do not have the feel to shower, let it to brush my teeth. I was grateful being able to get up from the bed and to start the day while some are struggling even to get up from the bed.
People do wondering what is this mental sickness. Do mental can be sick? Are they serious? If physical can be sick how, is the mental is immune from getting sick? Trust me, physical and mental existed with each other. When one of it is sick you’re not functioning.
This is because your mental can feel pain too. I know people can be bitter because they have no idea the mental can be sick because they cannot see it. They didn’t understand the relation between those two. They think you’re weak, not being grateful. You are in pain. People do many things to ease the pain whether through therapy, medication.
Do what makes you happy, and yeah walking help too. Having conversation about interest, practices mindfulness because that is when your mind on focus. Thanks a lot to Aiman Psikologis giving the talk and spread awareness about mental health.
Remember that you are a warrior. You are not alone. You are an inspiration.
#add note
Tonight, it strike again. I was still at my workplace. Don’t bother to move up to go home. Don’t bother to eat some dinner. And suddenly I got the courage, and I pushed myself. I just walking home to buy some food for the dinner. I walked by all the restaurant, feel the lights came out from it, the people talking and my mind was thinking. My mind was on about getting a child in this late of age, about having a holiday and the money for it, maybe it is not time use the money for myself. Maybe I need to buy something for my parent to use for. I have been this what to buy for them. I make a wish list in my head. I was grateful to someone who believe in me. and you know I just want to cry when I am thinking about. When I came back to my workplace, I saw a colleague was eating a dinner and I constantly said to myself, don’t cry, don’t cry. The thought being grateful even just a little just make me feel so…

Hal Be

“Yang ini berapa?” tanya Be kepada juruwang di situ. “Oo, yang ni sepuluh ringgit saja,” Pasir kucing bentonite sama 2 tin makanan siap dibeli. Dia berkira-kira baki yang tinggal di dalam beg comelnya. Akhir bulan. Yang ini saja mampu Be beli. Sejak duduk menyewa ni, memang banyak kena berjimat cermat. Ye, dia mengaku, dia sudah belajar berjimat cermat. Seluk beg kecik menyimpan duit dan dihulurnya kad ahli. Kad binatang ada 2 jenis, kad membeli-belah siapa tau ada 5 jenis. Kad sakit 2 jenis, kad bank 2 jenis. Buat apa banyak kad bank. Dia pening banyak-banyak kad. Nasib dia kad kredit tiada. Kad ini semua takda untung. Tetapi kad alergik dia ada. Itu paling penting. Kita tak mahu, mata kembang, hidung macam paip bocor, muka semacam belon merah dan terbaring sepanjang hari mengganggu kelancaran hidup. Paling tidak efeknya seminggu, mata kau kecil sebelah. Itu menarik perhatian. Dia tidak mahu menarik perhatian dengan mata kecil sebelah. Dan ye, cermin mata itu penting. Dia perlu cermin mata sebab dia tiada cermin mata. Cermin mata untuk halang silau mata. Mata coklat jernih seperti dia perlu cermin mata. Ok, tidak sensitif seperti hijau atau biru tetapi dia rasa perlu. Pernah orang menegurnya, saat dia sedih kelihatan matanya lebih coklat. Mungkin saat itu, air mata mula mahu mencuci matanya membuatkan lebih coklat. Mungkin. Dia juga sedang melihat-lihat iC!Berlin bentuk bulat hitam sebelum ini di internet. Untuk membeli, kita mesti mahu simpan azam. Buat lagi kuat azamnya. Dior Wayfarer warna putih juga menarik. Tapi untuk pertama kali dan dalam kisah penjimatan begini, dia cuma kisah Polaroid Wayfarer warna hitam. Mudah dan klasik.

Hal Joni


“Alamak, aku dah lambat ni” kata Joni.

Dicapainya baju 3 butang lengan yang bersangkut di kerusi. Joni cepat2 mencapai kunci motornya yang terletak berdekatan dengan segala kotak2 yang mengeluarkan gambar dan bunyian. Bermacam saiz kotak, besar kecik, besar kecik.

Pangggg!!!!

“Aduh” Joni duduk meraba ibu jari kaki.

Terlentang cello di sebelah gerobok vinyl Abah.

“Mak, Mak punya cello ni, Joni rasa boleh alih tempat lain. Hari itu Tompok main cak cak dengan Shin Chan. Hari ini kaki Joni lebam Mak. Hahaha” Joni beritahu sambil gelak-gelak.

“Saja Mak letak situ. Tengok kau tolong alih ke tidak. Hahaha” gelak Mak pulak.

“Jangan lupa tutup kain sangkar si Comot tu. Kang sejuk anak-anak dia.” sambung Mak.

“Ok, Joni pergi dulu Mak”

“Joni, ingat pesan Mak ya,”

Deruan motorsikal Joni membelah suasana malam. Aku mesti jadi gentleman. Aku mesti kena sampai dulu,” bisik Joni dalam hati.

Sesampainya di café, Joni pesan air masak. Sebelum makan, kena minum air masak dulu kan?

Air di dalam gelas Joni belum sampai dan dia sampai. Joni hampir tidak sedar dia sekarang berada di depan mata.

“ Assalamualaikum” ucapnya.

“ Walaikumussalam” jawab Joni.

Usai dia duduk, 30 detik berlalu. Tik tik tik.

Joni merenung pada mata coklatnya, “Kita order dulu, boleh?”

Joni melambai pada pelayan.

Skret. Skret. Skret. Pelayan menulis pada nota kecik dan mengulang semula orderannya.

So, tell me who you are” tanyanya

“Saya kerja editor,” kata Joni

Tell me who you are,really” tanya dia sambil tersenyum.

“Saya tahu awak mesti seorang editor yang rajin walaupun yang kadang-kadang awak benci 
dengan kerja awak disebabkan senior editor yang no-nonsense, manager yang merepek, 
colleague yang kepoh dan customer yang kuat komplen. Tapi dalam hati awak, awak cuba yang terbaik sebagai editor. Itu tidak dinafikan. Kita semua akan cuba yang terbaik. We are not a psychopath who try to ruin the company unless you hold a grudge to them. You maybe a dedicated engineer, lawyer, surgeon, teacher but you are not your job. You are bigger than your life,“ dia bercerita.

I am anarchist who loved cats and like doing sculpture and vintage sidecar enthusiast”.

Joni semacam menarik lega selepas menghembus kata2 itu.

Dia tersenyum lagi.

Dan 2 jam berlalu dengan pantas.

Kedengaran lagu I Can’t Get Started nyanyian Ella Fitzgerald mula memenuhi suasana Café Bouchon.

Monday, October 22, 2018

Mak Babi Hutan

Kisah bermula dengan sedang mengambil asam pedas di dapur. 

Terdengar sosok2 di sebelah rumah dalam kelapa sawit yang berjarak 20 meter jauhnya. 

Kelihatan 3 ketul berwarna kelabu yang comel sedang sibuk mencari makanan dan di belakang mereka kelihatan seketul kelabu bersaiz besar sedikit. 

"Eh gemuknya," bisik aku.

Dia pandang aku.

Aku pandang dia. 

Kami berpandangan agak lama. 

Aku kalah pandangan itu. 

Aku sambung cedok asam pedas dengan perlahan-perlahan.

 Aku terasa diperhatikan.

Ah nampaknya dia masih memerhatikan aku. 

Aku rasa nak demam. 

Begitulah ceritanya.

Heavy Day

After 5 months, I look after him. He's gone.

It was the day I had a big exam to take care of, an appraisal and he died on that day.

Good bye. You are a good cat.

Thank you for being me for all this years.

It is weird when you take care of it.

I said to Allah, don't let me take his away. Only Allah can take his away.

It was heavy released.

It was a heavy day.

He was happy.


Friday, May 18, 2018

20 Words of Reminder to Make You A Stronger Person

My words are nothing compare to that Marcus Aurelius's Meditations. 

Today is the first day of Ramadan. You must remember this things.

 1. You are alone in this world and nobody you can count on to. You must count on yourself.

2. Do not tell your problem to other people. They do not understand and you need to solve it by yourself. 

3. Do not give up. Try as many as you can.

4. You must be sometimes doing stupid and you are arrogant, but this are the lesson that you need to learn.

5. Failure and lesson make you a better and stronger person. 

6. Be courages and be kind.

7. Sometimes crying and screaming are relieving. So cry until you feel relieve.

8. Take small step towards your goals. Be consistent.

9. You can dream the impossible. Dream within your strength.

10. Do not care about what other people says as long as it can solve your problem.

11. If it is weird or unconventional to other people, and that make you happy, just do it.

12. Small but quality is good.

13. Good and bad people exist either to nourish and crush you. They come as part of your life.

14. Forcing to do things you do not like is scary, do not do it if they did not give any meaningful consequence to your life.

15. Good reading are unbeatable. There's nothing wrong being a book worm.

16. People will be skeptical and judging towards you. Animals and trees are not. Get close and appreciate them as many as you can. 

17. Remind yourself how important the time is. 

18. Achievement is good but your journey to it, is important. It makes who you are.

19. Travel and meet all types of people. Get out from your circle. It makes you a better person because you will understand what people are going through.

20. Everyone have fear. Try to control your fear to anything except Allah. Put all your life in Allah. Beriman kepada Qada' dan Qadar.

Monday, March 12, 2018

While Going Downstair To Take the Water

Sometimes I cannot help but to remember back that has make part of me. My life. I smiled when recall the memories.  The memories comes in certain way, in unexpected way. Sometimes on the way, going down to take some water in the office or in the weird time that I cannot explained it here. 

This one goes out to the friends which have been working with me. Although it was a short time, 1 year but it was good to me. I don't know about you guys. But for me, haha. Its good. Good.

One month in the Palace of Golden Horses is great but throughout the last week. Lebam guys, lebam.
Ok let me start first. 

Called me Dr Love. Because I sit in the room. And like to listen people problem. Apahal poyo ni?

Lets skip all the part that have all the people have been doing. Its ritual I guess. And favorite spot. Everyone must do it at least once. Once? Really? Hahaha.

First, to the little brother, Ashraf. You have become the island people. We share the same supervisor. We could not get you see everyday, and yet you have become the manager. Lucky you to have study with the custodian geologist. You have become the man, the man. Like solitary maybe. Surprised to see you back in darker tone. I heard you have a good life little brother.

To the superwoman Alia, who like to call be bihun goreng sometimes. Never wonder about that. Nevermind,I like free food. I like that name. It rock n roll name. May I Allah blessed you with life. Sofia is a great girl. She have the same birthday with me. I guess people who born on this day is special people. Kahkahkah. Keep rock and roll. 

To Ali, Alia's twin. The coolest man in the bunch. You were like our M.Nasir. Also the manager. Hahaha. With a lot of file like building on each side of the table. Thank you a lot, for the playlist. Cool playlist.Finally, it can safe my time to download illegally from the web. Hahaha.

To Kak Akmal, our Kak Long most steady person. Personally, I didn't see you, the time when you get angry. I really don't. Thank you helping me to get the job after we finished our one year with them. Go steady.

To Dayah, thank you being my buddy and my driver for our fieldwork. You are a patience woman. As strong woman also. A nice family you have. You have a face that I cannot read that as I being Dr Love there. Your face is hard to read. Its compliment. Hehe. 

To Epul, our seberang guy, who have always come to our place, the most cheerful person. And like talk a lot. And Zulhelmi is your sidekick. Hahaha. When you come to the place is lighten up. No, no. Don't throw up. Haha. Thank you for lighten up the place, man. Now throw up. 

To Gee and Jlo, the contra of two height, yet you guys are close friend. Same uni, same buddies to fieldwork. One is quite a celoteh and one steady. Gee have one tone voice and Jlo is another tone of voice. Hahaha

To Farah and Aishah, the twin. Senior and junior. Aishah call me Biha and call Farah by Kakak. I'm older than Farah but I 'm not offended. I am. I feel younger.

To Su, my junior geologist, the determine geologist. Yup, we share the same the experience might be because we are in the same uni and that we share the same interest. Thank you in believing my opinion or sometime my behaviour. Haha. 

To Fizi, the realistic person. Probably our head geologist in the group. The person who behind the Ford Ranger. The face look serious but believe me, it is not. And Julie the assistant. Julie who like laugh a lot. Hehe

To the seberang apartment, Zul who is Epul's sidekick, Nas yup the quiet person and hard to read I guess , Etul's Hafizi sidekick, Dayana the elegant person in the bunch, Dee you are comel one in the bunch, Vimal must be thinking a lot what the here I am doing here hehe and one Chinese guy, I am sorry I forgot your name. You all the great person and I guess you all be patience during your work in there. 

To the downstair people, Farha the sweet friend and I don't know when you are angry too. Hehe. Ema, thank you a lot for the curry laksa or mee curry noodle ? I guess. It was delicious.  I remember walking in the afternoon to eat that curry laksa or noodle. And also the gym. Haha. The H guy. And gym is good though. Perhaps the cycling class is the last thing I do. Sengal gila! Taubat aku. Haha.

To Aizat and Musaddiq, the rare person to see and sometimes quiet. I run out words actually. I don't know maybe thinking what the heck am I doing here. Haha.

Not to forget, my rebel supervisor, Mr Fatkhur. Quite a surprise CD collection. And what's up with left and right boot?Hehe.

I hope this story is not embarrassing you all. 

A lot of people, a lot of stories. A lot of haha.
Learn a lot from you guys. 
Ini bukan perasan sedap. 
This is me writing the memories.
It funny sometime the memories during we did not expected it.

God bless.

Ah, we getting old.

KLMJ.

Friday, March 2, 2018

Kisah Budak Kecik

Pagi tadi memang macam budak kecik aku. Kelam kabut setel pasir kumbahan Blaczer. Sampai kat pintu nak masuk Qu Belang dah standby kat pintu. Terkam Blaczer nak makan. Terkejut orang tua tengah. Aku halau Qu Belang sebab dia mula mengembang ajak gaduh. Tutup pintu aku kuar, Qu Belang tengah berlari di depan terkam aku balik macam harimau belang. “Mak, Belang gigit akak!” bergegar satu rumah. Terus lepas kengapan Belang kat kaki aku. Macam budak kecik ngadu kat mak sambal nak nangis. Sakit kot kena ngap dengan harimau belang kecik ni. Sampai berdarah kaki aku. Dia balas dendam kat aku ke.

Sambung pulak, ada yang lain pulak macam nak nangis sebab tak folo procedure. Aku cakap, “Relaks. Relaks”. Aku terus bergerak ke depan. Nak tukar selipar jamban sebenarnya dari tadi.

Kisah budak kecik.

Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Senarai Kontot

From Quora, thank you Trini Cariaga for the shortlist
"Personally… I describe myself as:
  • Annoying, but informative.
  • Soft, but heavy-handed.
  • Gentle, but honest.
  • Curious, but scared to ask.
  • Desire to wander, content to stay.
  • Easily excitable, but calm.
  • Obsessive, but not obnoxious.
  • Caring, but often not very attentive (too far in my own head).
  • Unresponsive, but feels a lot.
  • Polite, but brash when offended.
  • Optimistic, but can get myself down.
  • Hopeful, but unsure.
  • Passionate, but lazy.
  • Unorthodox in a crowd, but wants to not be noticed.
  • A heavy dreamer, a light sleeper.
  • High ambition with low motivation.
  • Daydreamy, but weighs out logic.
  • Creative, but feels like I always have artist’s block.
  • Quiet, but talkative when the right subject comes up.
  • Quiet-lover, but a melomaniac (I cant get enough of music and use it as a tool and coping mechanism).
  • A total contradiction
I have a habit of trying to predict the future and making myself sad or excited as a result… only to find that the situation turns out completely different than I could have ever imagined (good or bad).
I don’t like to be noticed and I don’t like people looking at me, but I love to be unique and I wear fantasy and alternative fashions because I like to feel otherworldly. Unfortunately this warrants the unwanted attention of other humans usually.
I could veg out for hours. Give me a large picture window overlooking the woods or the city with cars going by, a good spot on the floor, good music, a sketchpad, my laptop, my phone, and some snacks and I can stay there literally all day. For at least two days. Honestly, I don’t even need all that. Just the music and the window… I can even stare at a wall and veg out for a long time.
When I am hyperfixated on something I WON’T STOP. Whether a movie, a video game, a story, a cartoon show, a live action show… I won’t stop thinking about it obsessively for 3–5 months straight. I listen to music and the characters are all I think about. They are all I draw and care about for that length of time. Until.. I move on to the next obsession.
I want to go to foreign, magical, exciting places, but I don’t want to do the work and all the gobbledygook to get there."

Monday, February 12, 2018

Air Con

Pagi ni aku datang dan bukak aircond untuk kelas pagi. Aku on macam biasa guna remote tapi tak on jugak. Maka, aku bukak source power dekat dinding dan on tapi tak on jugak. Aku saba. Aku terpikir nak panggil brader maintenance ke.Aku duduk bukak komputer dan tenang2 cek emel. Setelah 15 minit, aku bangun untuk pergi menenangkan diri lagi, aku singgah lagi untuk cuba bukak. Alhamdulillah, dia on.
Dan sebenarnya aku pikirkan sama juga dengan masalah. Kadang2 kita perlu biar sekejap, bagi tenang dan datang kemudian. Dan kadang2 jugak kita putus asa dan agak2 dia dah tak boleh go dah tapi sebenarnya perlu masa. Serah pada Allah. Tak perlu kelam kabut. Tapi kalau dah mentol pecah tu tukarlah. Kakaka

Friday, January 19, 2018

Kisah Pendek Nasi Ayam

Aku dalam situasi memeritkan. Mak aku mahu beli nasi ayam sambal. Banyak kali kami order but cannot get it right. Every time. Tapi kami tidak berputus asa. Nasi ayam sambal, nasi ayam masak merah, nasi ayam dengan sambal.
Aku ke kaunter, menerangkan nasi ayam. Bukan nasi ayam yang dengan ayam masak merah. Ayamnya hendaklah dilumurkan dengan sambal ye. Ayam masak sambal 3 yang tak taruk sambal 1.Begitulah aku menerangkan.
Hampir 15 minit kemudian datang budak kecik perempuan bertanya. Nasi ayam tu nak yang macam mana Kak? Lalu aku terangkan seperti tadi.
Hampir 15 kemudian siap. Aku beri duit kepada budak perempuan tadi. Sementara dia memulangkan balik baki duit aku jengah 4 polisterin. Sah salah lagi.
Aku give up. Puas kami pikir kata perbuatan sama maksud dengan lumur. Macam2 Mak aku suggest balut, sampul.
Kisah pendek nasi ayam kata adik aku.
Tapi kita tak boleh putus asa kan?
Takkan aku nak terangkan cara masa nasi ayam pulak.

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Reminiscence

I feel like remembering of what I have done this year. Went to Fraser’s Hill learning about Malaysia’s own precious species. The animals and the pods. How they capture the movement of the animals. We did get an appreciation gift. Get some bloody son of the bitch blood sucking. It was an invitation with nice made food. I almost throw out on the way back. I was having a mantra to be quickly down the hill. Water rafting in Ulu Slim river. Learn to cooperate with other people. How to listen the order correctly. We did have some fun. Getting wet the whole day. One boat have exploded. They were okay. Ours get number one to arrive. We do wait for them and we lay ourself on edge of the river. So cold. Feel the sand, the sound of the river flows non stop along the way. I felt Orang Asli who conducted our boat was nagging and it was submerged in between the wind. It was funny though. Coming to the end of the year, a scene with blood sucking son of the bitch was on war with me. I was bleeding enormously on my both feet. I was late to be carpool with friends and forgot many things to bring. We were going three peak at that time which was done from morning to dusk. Raining in the late afternoon which make the trail muddier but it didn't stop us. Stumble upon a huge rock like a two storey building. It was like a strata. A strata should be made from sedimentary rocks. It was not limestone or sandstone. Panti Range is from granite. Granite that was arranged by human? There was an old city called Kota Gelanggi near Kampung Lukut. A civilization. Ulu Sedili river originated from Panti Range.  The city was a lost. Where the people go? Why they go? A bigfoot attack? Covering some valuable thing? Found a new better place? Hardly know. We might get Indiana Jones case there. Can be.  

A lot of things have gone quiet today. The intensity of going through of sharing in social media has become incredibily lessen. It just without the heart. My mind become tired. My soul become numb. Funny stories has become stiff to find. The don’t care attitude has become steady everyday. When I kept quiet, people misunderstood. When in silence, thinking can be better. I just want to feel the silence only. In certain part of the day, feel just want to be in place that I can hear my thought. Maybe it was too much. The brain labyrinth perhaps was a place that all is now. 

Monday, December 4, 2017

Niche

Ini bukan kisah untuk membanding tapi kau tak boleh tidak melihat ke dalam diri kau mampu lakukan.
 
Potensi atau niche kau. 


Kau akan pikir diri kau akan berguna atau tidak dalam satu2 perkara atau kerja. 


Lebih2 lagi itu mungkin kelemahan kekurangan kau dalam bidang itu telah menekan diri kau. 


Kau memikirkan ini suatu ujian untuk menangkis arus hari2.

Ucaplah syukur bila kau dapat bekerja dan rasa kau difully utilised terutama itulah kelebihan kau. 


Dan aku belum jumpai lagi.

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

iPod, You Will Be Classic In My Memories

Want to send grandpa iPod to clinic. Again. Kena tinggal. Feel wasted because not settle yet. Today, I learn about audio format.
A bit relieved because learn something. You know something bad happen and its an event you will learn. Something new. 
If my iPod not having a bad behaviour, it didn't bother me to know about the audio format. 
Let loose the high quality audio. 
Hmm.
If I had the choose what field of engineering would like to pursue, it would be sound engineering. If science, psychology neurosciences would be good.
Good luck to my friends who pursue studies, very happy because learning new things is contagious.
No matter what job you do.
Thanks my father who introduce a good music and sound quality means. And to my mother who like to study about religion.
Good balance.
What we like to do for our interest, I guess can be affected to our generation. It might be no a lot but it will leave a trace.
Sure.
A lot of bad things happen these day, to get stronger is hard. But we learn something new. Your mental will get stronger.

When I Read Reviews About Blade Runner 2049

Woke up this morning remembering cannot sleep last night, sit for a second, running downstairs to start the washing machines, turn off the heater, put on clothes, Que Belang sit at the side cleaning his fur, take a sip from mother's made coffee, halfway hang the clothes, put some kibbles for the cats before I go.
Sitting at the back of the car, listening Funkadelic's Maggot Brain on repeat, my mother and sister conversation in the background, take a painkiller in my pocket, stuck up tissue in my nose, close my eyes, trying to let loose and thinking about humanity.

"Rick Deckard: Sometimes to love someone, you got to be a stranger"
"K: All the best memories are hers."
"Dr. Ana Stelline: Every memory has a piece of it's artist."
Question about humanity. What makes we human when we question our existence, our feelings and our memories.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

A Copy From Quora : Misunderstood

I cannot you enough thank you Mr Joel Griffin, Mr Chill Dude!
Ironically INPFs are the most misunderstood and most misrepresented of all of the types so just because people struggle to find anything positive about them doesn't necessarily mean there are only drawbacks. In fact, most INFP’s will read your list of drawbacks and say about 80–90% of them are not even drawbacks.
A big example: INFPs hate being criticized even when meant to be for positive growth. Here's the thing, people think this means they can't take criticism or deal with confrontation and that they're scared little 4 year olds running away from life, but it's quite the opposite actually. INFPs love to hear criticism. But something to keep in mind is they can see right through you; so when they sense your criticism is coming from a self-righteous and arrogant perspective and spoken as if a subjective opinion is a stone-cold absolutely objective fact, while also claiming it's meant to be taken positive when you're really just trying to get your ego boost for the day by putting someone down but in a way that allows you to sleep at night thinking you're a nice person, then an INFP is going to have a problem with your criticism. There are plenty of bad reasons people give criticism, and sadly more often than not, people criticize for a bad reason. I could actually make a very large list of awful reasons people criticize people while thinking they're being polite when in fact they are not. But I don't want to dwell on one little thing. So Anyways…
I’d make a list of a few people I would argue are absolutely the opposite of “the worst” that are INFP but that list would be endless as well. And that's just the real people. If we included fictional characters we'd have a list of nearly every superhero ever thought of. Heroes from movies that you and everybody else loves and easily relates to.
Now earlier, when I said misunderstood. What I mean is horrendously misunderstood. Like in most cases people are laughably misunderstood, but in an INFP’s case, they're sadly misunderstood. Like exponentially more misunderstood than the second-most misunderstood type.
Something else to keep in mind is comparing a healthy XYXY with an unhealthy XYXY. Comparing a healthy ESTJ to an unhealthy INFP is not fair for anybody and in most cases this is what people do. When someones view of a type is that of an unhealthy version of said type, then of course finding anything positive is completely impossible. And then comparing it to healthy versions of other types is really kind of messed up. Maybe INFPs have a long list of small drawbacks, but every other type has a short list of horrendous drawbacks. So take your pick. Hell, one of the supposed biggest drawbacks of being an INFP is the whole Rose-Colored-Glasses perspective where they only see the positive things in life and in people. Maybe we people could learn a thing or two from that and try using these glasses on the very creators of it for a change. Why can an INFP tell us everything positive about ourselves but then when they ask you to name one positive thing about them you can't think of even one thing? And then we have the balls to say that's a negative trait. Somebody grab the tissues because that's some sad, messed up poopoo we’re sitting in.
I could honestly write all day about how untrue most people's perception of an INFP is horrendously incorrect, but I'm really not in the mood haha
It really all comes down to people looking at INFPs from a superficial perspective. We only look at the rough waves of the ocean without ever taking the time to see the vast and deep sea life growing beneath those very waves. Maybe from our outside perspective it looks rough, but if you dove for even a second you would see it's infinitely more complicated down there than any of us could have cared to imagine. Most of our views of INFPs are thus; we analyze the surface, we think it looks rough and the story ends. What we don't know is that every negative characteristic we think they have is but a misconception based on assumptions. Just like earlier with the criticism. We forget they are deep people and so we think “oh they're just childish” when in reality if done properly and with a loving heart but not a judgemental one, INFPs receive criticism better than anybody. But we can't forget that they see through our folly and will know if you're criticizing for the right reasons. Remember, they have a strong sense and value of morals so when you overstep, what do they do? They pounce. Haha. If anyone's ever properly criticized an INFP you'd know this to be true. They will look up at you with such a strong passion ready to learn as you correct and critique them rather than the usual resentful one which is sadly more common because people hardly ever do this properly. If you ask an INFP how someone should critique someone, they will go on about love and heart and feelings and speak the most philosophical things your ears have ever heard. So when someone doesn't do this, and it's someone that they care about, then they get very confused. “Why do you hate me? You're supposed to love me. Why do you hurt me like this?” And then they go and question everything they know about you. “Why do I love them more than they love me?” You see, INFPs are deep little creatures, and it’d be wise for us not to forget this. Think up any negative trait, and then ask a few INFPs what they think. Most will say “oh I see why you think it's bad, but actually [insert a deep thought here]. I say most because honestly some INFPs have been dragged down so hard and told they're wrong so many times they may have actually started to listen. Sad day.
So are INFPs the unluckiest of the bunch? I'd say quite the opposite. Misunderstood? Absolutely. But being lucky is one of their greatest qualities.

Aku rasa macam nak nangis baca bila diingatkan semuanya betul. 

Syukur. Gratitude.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Mr Bennington

Susulan daripada status pasal Linkin Park die hard fan dan kematian Chester Bennington, aku bukanlah die hard atau dipanggil fan jugak tapi lagu diorang aku still boleh masuk jugak. Suara Chester Bennington oklah pada aku walau tak sepower Cornell sebab pada aku nak tengok suara power tak power tengok suara berapa jauh boleh pegi dan bab menjerit2 tak termasuk. Mr Cornell ni aku start folo pun masa dia dah solo sebab aku suka suara dia. Tapi ini depend pada pendapat masing2.

Memori aku tentang Linkin Park masa aku studi matriks dulu dekat Bukit Mertajam. Aku dulu suka jugak beli kaset, tapi takde sampai tahap beli kaset indie. Aku masuk kedai music store. Time aku nak bayar, Bro Ah Meng tengok serupa tak percaya. Maybe sebab aku pakai tudung hitam hitam sekolah dan baju kurung coklat kotak. Budak baik beli kaset. Dahla scenery kaset gelap je. Prejudis ini berlaku lagi masa aku kat uni masa aku beli kaset Prince’s Musicology. Citarasa tak melambang rupa. Hahaha.
Berakhirnya riwayat kaset Hybrid Theory masa tengah berperang dengan kemarahan diri. Aku main album Hybrid Theory dalam gelap. Pusing punya pusing sampai rosak kaset aku. Gone sudah dalam collection.
Skang illegal download to Ipod. Debut album aku masih lagi berbanding album2 kemudian. A Place For My Head lagu favorite aku. Thanks Mr Bennington for the memories.

Saturday, July 15, 2017

Love & Friendship

This title has nothing in common Love & Friendship by Jane Austen. Though the theme is the same. I watched the film and Sir James is very amusing. I Iaughed. Very unexpected ending indeed. 

Love is a commitment. Love is big. As for Greek, there is 5 types of love.

Friendship is built on trust. We might friend with them. It built for years.  We get a wrong concept when involved with different gender. And if a different gender friend, they will fall on love. As it for me, love is one and we cannot love equally with a lot of people. Friendship is you care even he is married already. I will not dive in furthermore because this cause strained with wife and jealousy and confusion. As female which rule with emotion, you cannot control with it and be wise. We have genuine feeling but sometimes misunderstood by others. And that we pray.

Talk like friend. Talk has feeling? What is this? There are sometimes we like to talk with male friend and sometimes female friend. Small talk is exhausting. We need serious talk. We talk what we like in common. We talk about our interest. Why waste the time talking unnecessary. Just remember to talk about lecturer and the pattern and the behaviour. We talk and we forgot time until we remind that is our time. Just remember we talk about tiring and still want to do the hiking. It is a relief really. We thanked for that. 

Care and sacrifice, we sometimes blindly understand it. Understand is a big word. Just remember, took take the parents and little brother who had high fever. It is tiring to do all things alone. Now I know. What it feel like a mother, a woman which lesser strength than a man be able to all things. Work in days and later at night, work as housewife. Do multiple things non stop. I just realised that. Wow, what a powerful human being. Did it to do all this things has to talk in doing it. Take your time. Think. Unwise? Lazy? Feelingless. I don’t know if is called love. You let all this things at one side. Didn’t it occurred in your mind? Maybe we are not exposed enough. Adventure feed our soul. 

Maybe we did not understand enough. If not understand, seek and ask. 

We are define by our action, not words. 


I always write when cannot sleep and in bleak phase with the music on, which is right Shadow On the Run by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

Saturday, May 6, 2017

Palembang - Lampung - Merak - Jakarta 2

Dapat aku cakapkan cara pemanduan bro memang power. Satu perkataan je. Power. Ada ketika rapat gila dengan aku agak treler yang belakang besi panjang terjojol. Bape inci aku tengok. Fuh power dengan teknik pemanduan yang potong berapa keretta entah. Tapi satu je kat sini semua orang akan bagi can nak potong. Tolak ansur tu bagus. Bukan potong line ye kawan2. Masuk jalan tanah pun ye. Dengan background lagu pop dangdut memang masuk stail lah ni. Tiba-tiba kami menerima satu bau yang tak boleh digambarkan. Suasana seperti biasa dalam van. Senyap sunyi tapi taulah bunyi pop dangdut seperti biasa. Aku yang dengar Ipod comel tu pon boleh dengar. Bau yang dilalui itu semacam sengit. Menusuk hidung menusuk kalbu. Dalam hati aku, who the fuck drop the fucking methane bomb here! Tak aku bingit dalam hati je. Aku pusing kiri kanan. Aku pandang kawan aku, kawan aku pandang aku. Kelihatan Bro membuka tingkap kecik di sebelahnya beberapa inci. Kelihatan Bro tadi sedang mengesip2 jari-jemarinya berdekatan dengan aircond di dashboard. Ade sikit bau-bauan wangi yang keluar. Aku saspek Bro tadi megesip sedikit minyak wangi di jarinya kemudian letak di aircond untuk berfungsi sebagai minyak wangi. Muka masing2 memang releks aku cakap. 
Perjalanan yang jauh tu tanpa buat ape2 memang penat jugak. Hampir ke kawasan bandar jem semakin teruk. Dengan jalan berdebunya, yang naik moto hampir keseluruhannya pakai topeng mulut. Kami berhenti jugak sebentar sebab dah lame sangat jugak duduk. Buat ape2 yang patut buang air ke minum air ke. Hampir senja jugak perjalanan kami. Kami berbincang bagaimana nak hantar sape dulu. Bro pemandu bertanya kepada Ibu Martha dan Pakcik yang duduk di belakang kami mengenai jalan ke hotel di Lampung.  
Moden jugak Bandar Lampung ni. Itu perkataan pertama aku yang keluar pasal Lampung. Pendek kata complete jugak berbanding di Palembang. Fast food restaurant, universiti, muzium haa memag tak sempatlah ni. Lain kali lah yek. Bro pemandu memutuskan untuk hantar kami dulu ke hotel walaupon Ibu Martha sepatutnya dihantar dulu kalau diikut aturan perjalanan. Katanya kurang arif dengan jalan di situ. Bro menggantikan duit kami sebab hantar kami dulu. Waktu sudah magrib dan siap booking sekali transport ke pelabuhan. Rupanya aku tak paham bagi tip lagi ni. Haha.
Malam nak keluar pun tak sempat maka makan megi la jawabnya. Mangkuk pun tarak. Heater tarak. Dan time inilah kami kena bertindak kreatif. Nasib baik beli megi goreng. Maka merendam megi dalam plastik pembungkus dengan air shower panas. Kepit dengan tangan sebentar. Kemudian gaulkan rencah di atas piring cawan. Bersiap sedia untuk di makan. Besok sarapan dengan real.
Sarapan agak meriah bagi kami. Ada mee goreng, nasi goreng, udang comel goreng, pisang goreng, buah-buahan. Perumah hotel kebanyakan muda2 di sini. Makan sampai kenyang ye tuan2 dan puan2. Rupa pelakon Indonesia pon ada jugak di sini. Peta tempat2 menarik ditampal sebagai backdrop di feature wall hotel. Ia merupakan salah satu hari biasa yang indah di tempat asing.
Siap kenyang dan berkemas kami terus check out. Mengambil gambar sambil menunggu mobil. Sampai mobilnya sebuah van di hadapan hotel. Kelihatan seorang pakcik dalam van di bahagian hadapan. Kami meneruskan perjalanan. Singgah sekejap2 untuk ambil penumpang lain. Masuk ke kawasan setinggan dan van masih disumbat2 dengan manusia sambil diselangi latar lagu dangdut sopan. Rupanya ada kenduri kahwin. Entah kenapa aku tengok orang kat sini semua sopan2. Nampaknya aku dapat curi tengok inilah kehiduoan seharian diorang. Debu dan panas jangan cakaplah. Van kasi muat punya. Padat gila jugaklah ni. Kami meneruskan perjalanan dengan lebih muatan jugak ni. 
Waktu itu awal tengahari. Waktu untuk mengantuk sebab dah 2 kali berenti pakcik drebar tu. Mula2 turun cari makanan ke apa, katenye beskut dah habis, kang ngantuk nak kunyah ape. Kali kedua berenti di kamar mandi, basuh muka. Sekali lagi  tempat tadahan air berbentuk kolah. Nak berendam pon boleh gak time panas2 begini. Kasihan betul pakcik drebar. Ada jugak sepanduk berbunyi, Anda mengantuk? Nah, kopi gratis!’  Pakcik drebar mengoncang2 botol 1 liternya.Beberapa kali jugak meraup air daripada botol ke mukanya. Tanda sudah habis. Aku renung botol air dalam beg aku. Serba salah nak bagi ke tak. 
Nasib baik perjalanan tak lama. Sampai jugak kami ke Pelabuhan Bakauheni. Kelihatan sibuk sekali susanan di pintu masuk. Fuh, dengan orang dan barang2. Barang2 berbentuk kotak2 yang berbungkus2. Mau balik kampung katanya ke Tanah Jawa. Suasana di pelabuhan memang sibuk gak dengan riuh rendah sama orng muda dan orang tua. Pergi solat kejap dan berehat. Tersadai jugak di area kaunter pelabuhan sementara menunggu kapal bertolak. Lebih kepada feri sebenarnya. Duduk di penjuru dan memerhatikan perangai manusia. Standard sehari2 perangai manusia. Budak2 bermain dan orang berbual. Tiada apa yang luar biasa. Rupa juga lebih kurang kita. Hampir asar, feri tiba dan kami meneruskan perjalanan.  Cuaca begitu baik. Bergerak ke feri dan air percuma di awal pintu masuk. Air buah2 buahan manis. Kami mencari tempat di bahagian luar. Lagi sedap ditiup, pemandangan segar tapi suhunya panas. Apalah suhu nak dibanding dengan pemandangan yang cantik bukan. Bukannya suhu panas berdeting. Air laut seperti biasa cantik biru dan dalamnya seperti rahsia. Angin jugak kuat, realitinya memukul kau tanpa benci. Kadang2 kami berdiri pinggir feri dan kami duduk tetapi kebnayakn masanya kami berdiri. Tiada pemandangan alam yang merugikan walau kau merenung tanpa berbuat apa2.
Perjalanan 2 jam dalam feri dihabiskan dentam tanpa berbuat apa2. Kelihatan Krakatau di kejauhan. Cuma aku, biru laut dan angin. Ok2. ada lagi ramai orang kat situ. Semua orang di pikiran masing2. Ada pakcik berbual berhenti aku tengok. 2 jam tak penat dia berbual aku rasa. Itulah dikatakan seronok berbual ye dak. Dikatakan penuh jugak orang di bahagian dek memandang laut. Manusia dan masala masing2. Aku harap aku takda jadi saksi kejadian orang terjun laut setakat ini. 
Sampai juga akhirnya kami ke pelabuhan. Ni sebenarnya booking hotel pon belum. Main terjah je la nampak gayanya. Bila kapal feri hampir berlabuh di pelabuhan kelihatan anak2 kapal terjun untuk membantu. Ada jugak orang2 membaling duit ke dalam ke arah anak2 kapal tadi. Dapat ke tak belakang kira. Gembira sungguh nampaknya. Meriah dengar nama dipanggil2. Kami terus bergerak ke jeti Merak.
Hari semakin gelap. Hotel belum dapat lagi ni. Gerak ke kedai serbaneka membeli kredit. Cari hotel melalui Google dan telefon. Payah juga gaya gini last minute cari hotel. Memang gamble hates la ni. Teksi pon tak jumpe. Kau tau je lah tim2 begini ada saja teksi tak rasmi memanggil penumpang. Kereta, van, moto. Ada 2 3 lelaki mendekati kami bertanyakan tempat mana mau dipergi. Sebenarnya kami pun tak tahu ke mana nak pergi. Haru2. Doa dan tawakal. Time gini aku kena jadi tegas. Diorang ni kena tegas kalas tak memang tak makan. Bertanyakan hotel mana paling dekat. Bargain2 punye tambang dengan harga hotel yang berpatutan. Bertekak juga dengan brader moto tu harga punye pascal. Nak naik moto kawan aku tak biasa. Aku pon sebenarnya tak berkenan gaya begitu. Memanglah lagi murah tapi bahaya lagi tinggi. Last2 dapat jugak van Avanza dan ke hotel Merak namanya. 
Kalau diikutkan memang agak dekat. Jalan kaki boleh jugak tapi tempât baru kan. Lagi2 malam. Sampai di hotel Merak. Peh, memang hotel lama jugak. Kalau nak buat scene movie seram bleh jugak. Aku serius ni. Receptionist perempuan muda dan seorang pakcik penjaga hotel. Memang jawa habis. Wardrobe receptionist berbaju kebaya lama dan pakcik bersongkok batik jawa. Sampai di hotel di waktu malam begini, sambung adegan seterusnya. Ikut imaginasi anda. Ok2 balik semula ke scene di kaunter hotel tadi. Nasib baik harga boleh tahan jugak. Twin bed and free breakfast. Suasana memang sunyi. Mana orang lain ni. Semua dah tidur ke. 
Lif pun jangan cakap lah. Lif kecil lama yang bergoyang2. Lampu juga malap. Aku dan kawan aku mula saspen. Kami diberi pilihan 2 bilik. Satu bilik mengadap tangga dan satu di hujung. Kami meninjau2 di kedua2 bilik. Bilik di hujung nampak okey manakala bilik di tengah lampu tengah nampak malap tapi masih ok lagi. Aku cek kedua2 bilik dan meminta maaf jugak pada pakcik sebab terpaksa cek satu2. Kalau diikutkan baik pilih bilik berdekatan dengan tangga. Apa2 hal senang nak lari. 
Air memang tak beraap bersih dan pakcik sudah pesan. Memang. Kalau pakai sabun takde guna jugak sebab masih kesat. Air laut katanya. Layan saja mandi air kesat. Macam kat Arab pulak rasanya. Barang2 dalam bilik tersebut semua jenis lama. Zaman 70 an. Berkerusi rotan dan peti sejuk lama. Nostalgia habis dengan suasana lampu kelam. Yang paling melegakan adalah berdekatan masjid. Kalau bang, memang clear. Terpancar kelegaan di muka. Tapi rasa belum kurang lagi untuk malam itu. Lampu bilik air memang bukak sepanjang malam. Buku doa jangan lupa. Tapi memang susah nak tidur. Jiwa tak tenang. Aku tersedar jugak. Rupanya lampu bilik memang tak tutup. Sedar2 sudah subuh. 
Selesai bersiap2 kami turun bersarapan. Mee rebus percuma rupanya megi sedap ayam ye, tuan2 dan puan2. Nampak gayanya penggambaran scene seram sudah tamat. Kami bergerak dan berjalan kaki ke arah stesen keretapi merak. Memang tidak jauh. Pemandangan waktu pagi kedai dan warung sudah dibuka tapi belum sibuk. 15 minit jugak perjalanannya untuk stesen. Sesampainya di sana ke mana mana pulak mahu melepasi ke sana. Kalau nak main melintas rel keretapi tu boleh jugak tapi aku tak mau ditangkap. Ada cara yang sah selain daripada kena pusing belah yang lebih jauh. Kami bertanya pada pakcik yang berada berdekatan. Terima kasih pakcik kerana membawa jalan yang paling senang iaitu melintas saja rel keretapi. Ok selamat. Tak ramai orang di stesen pada waktu itu dan kaunter belum bukak. Suasana aman di stesen keretapi Merak. Tiket asli perlu ditukar ditukar di kaunter sebelum bertolak. Kami ambil angin sebentar menikmati pemandangan dan angin laut .
Keretapi bertolak pada waktunya. Kelihatan penumpang sibuk memunggah beg dan kotak-kotak. Seat sepasang mengadap2. Ini paling malas kalau jenis seat mengadap-ngadap. Sebab aku tak selesa ngadap orang walaupun sebenarnya orang kata buat apa tengok. Tapi nak buat camna. Terima sajalah. Kadang2 kita kena jugak sesuai diri dengan keadaan yang tak selesa. Nak mengada2 24 jam penat juga ye. Bahagian dalam belum ramai orang memenuhi tempat. Bila tempat duduk belum penuh, mulalah kau buat tempat kau macam dunia kau sendiri. Tempat duduk tanpa pembahagi memang jadi katillah gamaknya.  Macam2 gaya aku tengok tapi tak payahlah dihuraikan di sini. Cukuplah imaginasi bagaimana mencukupkan satu badan dalam satu tempat duduk. 
Stesen demi stesen berhenti dan orang mula ramai naik. Harapan bahawa tiada orang akan duduk di tempat duduk bersama kami telah punah.  Nasib baik seasang suami isteri. Baru berkahwin dan bukan berusia belia. Uh romantik. Cakapnya sopan. Bahasanya teratur. Tingkah laku tertib. Berbual mengenal pasal keluarga, anak, keadaan di Indonesia dan Broery Marantika. Aku lelap jugak kejap2. Kadang2 suruh kawan aku mengambil gambar. Nostalgik jugak lalu di kebun, gunung (gunung apa namanya aku tak ingat) sekolah dan kanak2 melambai. 
Sampai di Tanah Abang dan hujan turun. Padat dengan manusia dan lantai yang basah. Aduh jalan nak keluar tak jumpa, pusing punya pusing last2 mintak brader jaga gate keretapi tolong bukakkan. Macam tau2 saja kami orang Malaysia. Sempat jugak nak beramah mesra. Nah, sekarang mau cari tuk tuk untuk ke seberang shopping kompleks untuk bertemu kawan kepada kawan aku. Dia punya sesak dan simpang siur tak boleh tahan aku. Boleh tahan pening jugak gini gaya. Berjumpa di kedai makan dan aku makan nasi itik dan air avocado. Kawan aku makan mee apa aku tak ingat tapi takda jual di Malaysialah. Kami berbasa basi sementara. Cuba apa yang tak pernah makan. Selesai makan, kami pergi mencari kain untuk buah tangan. Kelam kabut jugak mencari disebabkan kesuntukan masa. Berpusing jugak naik turun tingkat nak cari harga murah punya pasal. Selesai bergambar, kereta sewa dibooking dan kami meneruskan perjalanan ke lapangan terbang. Ini pun satu hal jugak dengan trafik dan kereta bersimpang siur. Simpang siur tapi masih bersopan. Tetap ada laluan. Aku risau jugak dengan trafik dan mengejar masa untuk ke lapangan terbang. Dan sempat jugak membeli cenderamata. Selesai dan menunggu kapal terbang tiba.
Lega rasenya tiada orang duduk di tengah. Aku biasanya memilih duduk di aisle sebab aku seat Airasia sangat packed maka perlu sedikit udara. Releks sikit waktu balik aku rasa. Sampai awal subuh dan passport buat hal pulak. Rupanya pasport baru belum update dalam machine. Orait2 akhirnya setel cop dengan pegawai. Aku pulang ke Johor seperti biasa, dengan bas. 
4 hari, 4 tempat. Non stop perjalanan. Tak puasnya sebab terlalu sekejap untuk satu tempat. Tujuan utama adalah merasa keretapi di sumatera dan Jawa. Ini betul2 kembara perjalanan dan bertemu orang. Terpulang. Apa kebab kau mengembara. Gambar? Jiwa? Berjoli?
*Dah lama terperap, momentum daripada sing along album Diorama Silverchair. Kalau tidak, perlahan jugak bergerak ni*