Melting Faces

Metal melted within the wall

Holding yourself for not to fall

Fragile thing will it to bore

More and more

Wind blew, the water still

Light becomes our shield

Tree and money are desperate to yield

Hoping not to lose our feel

Crinkle skin darken spot

Carry on carry on

Why do you have to wait

Been said and fade

Blooming shade has been kept a secret

Clock has been ticking and spent

Walked and walked trying to fend

As the sun-scorched, hidden

As time pass as you need

Moon and mood are in between

Feeling are burning need

As you realise what you have seen

A Note I Write To Depression Survivors Malaysia

I was happen to write to all warrior here, you are a warrior. Everyone of you.

Been diagnosed with high functioning depression, I had this ‘all ok’ terms instead of being not ok. I try to been functioning on everyday life even there was the day that I even do not have the feel to shower, let it to brush my teeth. I was grateful being able to get up from the bed and to start the day while some are struggling even to get up from the bed.

People do wondering what is this mental sickness. Do mental can be sick? Are they serious? If physical can be sick how, is the mental is immune from getting sick? Trust me, physical and mental existed with each other. When one of it is sick you’re not functioning.

This is because your mental can feel pain too. I know people can be bitter because they have no idea the mental can be sick because they cannot see it. They didn’t understand the relation between those two. They think you’re weak, not being grateful. You are in pain. People do many things to ease the pain whether through therapy, medication.

Do what makes you happy, and yeah walking help too. Having conversation about interest, practices mindfulness because that is when your mind on focus. Thanks a lot to Aiman Psikologis giving the talk and spread awareness about mental health.

Remember that you are a warrior. You are not alone. You are an inspiration.

#add note

Tonight, it strike again. I was still at my workplace. Don’t bother to move up to go home. Don’t bother to eat some dinner. And suddenly I got the courage, and I pushed myself. I just walking home to buy some food for the dinner. I walked by all the restaurant, feel the lights came out from it, the people talking and my mind was thinking. My mind was on about getting a child in this late of age, about having a holiday and the money for it, maybe it is not time use the money for myself. Maybe I need to buy something for my parent to use for. I have been this what to buy for them. I make a wish list in my head. I was grateful to someone who believe in me. and you know I just want to cry when I am thinking about. When I came back to my workplace, I saw a colleague was eating a dinner and I constantly said to myself, don’t cry, don’t cry. The thought being grateful even just a little just make me feel so…

Hal Be

“Yang ini berapa?” tanya Be kepada juruwang di situ. “Oo, yang ni sepuluh ringgit saja,” Pasir kucing bentonite sama 2 tin makanan siap dibeli. Dia berkira-kira baki yang tinggal di dalam beg comelnya. Akhir bulan. Yang ini saja mampu Be beli. Sejak duduk menyewa ni, memang banyak kena berjimat cermat. Ye, dia mengaku, dia sudah belajar berjimat cermat. Seluk beg kecik menyimpan duit dan dihulurnya kad ahli. Kad binatang ada 2 jenis, kad membeli-belah siapa tau ada 5 jenis. Kad sakit 2 jenis, kad bank 2 jenis. Buat apa banyak kad bank. Dia pening banyak-banyak kad. Nasib dia kad kredit tiada. Kad ini semua takda untung. Tetapi kad alergik dia ada. Itu paling penting. Kita tak mahu, mata kembang, hidung macam paip bocor, muka semacam belon merah dan terbaring sepanjang hari mengganggu kelancaran hidup. Paling tidak efeknya seminggu, mata kau kecil sebelah. Itu menarik perhatian. Dia tidak mahu menarik perhatian dengan mata kecil sebelah. Dan ye, cermin mata itu penting. Dia perlu cermin mata sebab dia tiada cermin mata. Cermin mata untuk halang silau mata. Mata coklat jernih seperti dia perlu cermin mata. Ok, tidak sensitif seperti hijau atau biru tetapi dia rasa perlu. Pernah orang menegurnya, saat dia sedih kelihatan matanya lebih coklat. Mungkin saat itu, air mata mula mahu mencuci matanya membuatkan lebih coklat. Mungkin. Dia juga sedang melihat-lihat iC!Berlin bentuk bulat hitam sebelum ini di internet. Untuk membeli, kita mesti mahu simpan azam. Buat lagi kuat azamnya. Dior Wayfarer warna putih juga menarik. Tapi untuk pertama kali dan dalam kisah penjimatan begini, dia cuma kisah Polaroid Wayfarer warna hitam. Mudah dan klasik.

Hal Joni

“Alamak, aku dah lambat ni” kata Joni.

Dicapainya baju 3 butang lengan yang bersangkut di kerusi. Joni cepat2 mencapai kunci motornya yang terletak berdekatan dengan segala kotak2 yang mengeluarkan gambar dan bunyian. Bermacam saiz kotak, besar kecik, besar kecik.

Pangggg!!!!

“Aduh” Joni duduk meraba ibu jari kaki.

Terlentang cello di sebelah gerobok vinyl Abah.

“Mak, Mak punya cello ni, Joni rasa boleh alih tempat lain. Hari itu Tompok main cak cak dengan Shin Chan. Hari ini kaki Joni lebam Mak. Hahaha” Joni beritahu sambil gelak-gelak.

“Saja Mak letak situ. Tengok kau tolong alih ke tidak. Hahaha” gelak Mak pulak.

“Jangan lupa tutup kain sangkar si Comot tu. Kang sejuk anak-anak dia.” sambung Mak.

“Ok, Joni pergi dulu Mak”

“Joni, ingat pesan Mak ya,”

Deruan motorsikal Joni membelah suasana malam. Aku mesti jadi gentleman. Aku mesti kena sampai dulu,” bisik Joni dalam hati.

Sesampainya di café, Joni pesan air masak. Sebelum makan, kena minum air masak dulu kan?

Air di dalam gelas Joni belum sampai dan dia sampai. Joni hampir tidak sedar dia sekarang berada di depan mata.

“ Assalamualaikum” ucapnya.

“ Walaikumussalam” jawab Joni.

Usai dia duduk, 30 detik berlalu. Tik tik tik.

Joni merenung pada mata coklatnya, “Kita order dulu, boleh?”

Joni melambai pada pelayan.

Skret. Skret. Skret. Pelayan menulis pada nota kecik dan mengulang semula orderannya.

“So, tell me who you are” tanyanya

“Saya kerja editor,” kata Joni

“Tell me who you are,really” tanya dia sambil tersenyum.

“Saya tahu awak mesti seorang editor yang rajin walaupun yang kadang-kadang awak benci 

dengan kerja awak disebabkan senior editor yang no-nonsense, manager yang merepek, 

colleague yang kepoh dan customer yang kuat komplen. Tapi dalam hati awak, awak cuba yang terbaik sebagai editor. Itu tidak dinafikan. Kita semua akan cuba yang terbaik. We are not a psychopath who try to ruin the company unless you hold a grudge to them. You maybe a dedicated engineer, lawyer, surgeon, teacher but you are not your job. You are bigger than your life,“ dia bercerita.

“I am anarchist who loved cats and like doing sculpture and vintage sidecar enthusiast”.

Joni semacam menarik lega selepas menghembus kata2 itu.

Dia tersenyum lagi.

Dan 2 jam berlalu dengan pantas.

Kedengaran lagu I Can’t Get Started nyanyian Ella Fitzgerald mula memenuhi suasana Café Bouchon.

Mak Babi Hutan

Kisah bermula dengan sedang mengambil asam pedas di dapur. 

Terdengar sosok2 di sebelah rumah dalam kelapa sawit yang berjarak 20 meter jauhnya. 

Kelihatan 3 ketul berwarna kelabu yang comel sedang sibuk mencari makanan dan di belakang mereka kelihatan seketul kelabu bersaiz besar sedikit. 

"Eh gemuknya," bisik aku.

Dia pandang aku.

Aku pandang dia. 

Kami berpandangan agak lama. 

Aku kalah pandangan itu. 

Aku sambung cedok asam pedas dengan perlahan-perlahan.

 Aku terasa diperhatikan.

Ah nampaknya dia masih memerhatikan aku. 

Aku rasa nak demam. 

Begitulah ceritanya.

Heavy Day

After 5 months, I look after him. He's gone.

It was the day I had a big exam to take care of, an appraisal and he died on that day.

Good bye. You are a good cat.

Thank you for being me for all this years.

It is weird when you take care of it.

I said to Allah, don't let me take his away. Only Allah can take his away.

It was heavy released.

It was a heavy day.

He was happy.

20 Words of Reminder to Make You A Stronger Person

My words are nothing compare to that Marcus Aurelius's Meditations. 

Today is the first day of Ramadan. You must remember this things.

 1. You are alone in this world and nobody you can count on to. You must count on yourself.

2. Do not tell your problem to other people. They do not understand and you need to solve it by yourself. 

3. Do not give up. Try as many as you can.

4. You must be sometimes doing stupid and you are arrogant, but this are the lesson that you need to learn.

5. Failure and lesson make you a better and stronger person. 

6. Be courages and be kind.

7. Sometimes crying and screaming are relieving. So cry until you feel relieve.

8. Take small step towards your goals. Be consistent.

9. You can dream the impossible. Dream within your strength.

10. Do not care about what other people says as long as it can solve your problem.

11. If it is weird or unconventional to other people, and that make you happy, just do it.

12. Small but quality is good.

13. Good and bad people exist either to nourish and crush you. They come as part of your life.

14. Forcing to do things you do not like is scary, do not do it if they did not give any meaningful consequence to your life.

15. Good reading are unbeatable. There's nothing wrong being a book worm.

16. People will be skeptical and judging towards you. Animals and trees are not. Get close and appreciate them as many as you can. 

17. Remind yourself how important the time is. 

18. Achievement is good but your journey to it, is important. It makes who you are.

19. Travel and meet all types of people. Get out from your circle. It makes you a better person because you will understand what people are going through.

20. Everyone have fear. Try to control your fear to anything except Allah. Put all your life in Allah. Beriman kepada Qada' dan Qadar.